This week, I want to share my thoughts on relationship building. Although this is a common term that gets thrown around often, I find that folks often conceptualize and interpret it differently. While the essence of relationship building is arguably universal, the idiosyncratic style and approach to building and maintaining strong relationships can look different depending on your specific context.
I learned a lot about relationship building in my previous role at the University of Toronto's Centre for Community Partnerships, where I cultivated numerous relationships and partnerships with non-profit and public organizations to develop experiential learning initiatives for students. Outside of this role, I've learned how to build and maintain strong relationships with folks in other parts of the university and in other industries in an authentic and effective way (through practice, feedback and trial-and-error)! My experience is also supplemented by reading various self-development books on this topic and reflecting on how I can grow in this area.
From these experiences, I learned how to build and maintain relationships that are sustainable, reciprocal, and valuable (e.g. valuable not only to the organization in moving the needle in a meaningful way, but also for me in advancing towards my goals). While I have come to develop a solid understanding of my personal approach to relationship building, it is always skill that I will continually seek to improve.
Here are five insights that inform my personal style to relationship building:
1. Relationship building takes time
As someone whose strength is being a goal-oriented executor that gets things done in the most efficient and effective way, I came to learn that the process of relationship building cannot be controlled the same way that I can control my tasks. There is always a degree of uncertainty involved, and even with careful planning and prediction, you might not achieve your desired outcomes. Relationships don’t work in a linear manner such that x amount of time and effort is guaranteed to lead to y results and outcomes. You're dealing with people here, not things.
But the lack of tangible outcome now does not mean that the relationship will not bear any fruits in the future. Relationships require a long-term horizon that involves risk taking and a lot of trust. The strongest relationships have a common vision and a set of shared values, even when there are no tangible or concrete outcomes in the foreseeable future (short-term).
A relationship can develop over time despite the lack of any significant collaborations or immediate outcomes. In fact, sharing resources, opportunities and information are simple but effective building blocks that can strengthen the relationship. Just as a tomato plant requires proper nurture, care and time to bear tomatoes, relationships also require the same elements in order to mature into something mutually beneficial for both parties.
2. There is no right way to relationship building
Of course, there are some best practices, and well... if you have any common sense, you would know to treat every person you meet with respect. But I mean to say that, the strongest relationships are authentic, genuine and well-intentioned. People like working with others who are, well... human (we’re not perfect machines that are devoid of emotions!) Learn to bring your authentic self to the table even if that means exposing your vulnerabilities and sharing what keeps you up at night.
As human beings - we fail, we make mistakes, and we are vulnerable. Because no one is perfect, relationship building is inherently a messy process. There is bound to be conflict, misunderstandings and assumptions that can cloud our judgment. Some working styles are going to clash. For instance, some people are just more task-oriented while others are more relational by nature. Sometimes, it can be so extreme that you feel insulted and disrespected when your values are violated or your boundaries are crossed.
What makes or breaks a relationship, however, is open, transparent and consistent lines of communication. For example, never assume that your personal style to relationship building always aligns with your counterpart’s. What you think is a best practice may not even be a good practice from your counterpart’s point-of-view, let alone a best one.
Relationship building is like a craftsman working at his wheel, shaping the pot from the clay with constant effort, a patient heart and some faith in the process. In the same way, relationship building requires work, trust and commitment. If you have these fundamental elements to ground your approach to building relationships, the rest can be as fluid and dynamic as you make it.
3. Relationship building does not happen in a vacuum
Building relationships with others allows you to see how you fit into the larger ecosystem, as well as how broader political, social and economical factors may have a direct or indirect impact on your work. Recognize that you don’t work in isolation and that it is important to connect with your team members, those in other units within the organization, and those outside your organization. Moreover, this will also allow you to increase visibility in your organization and industry, and in turn, strengthen your personal brand (I will write more about branding in the future).
Of course, you don’t have all the time in the world, so you need to be strategic about who you build relationships with.
This involves identifying your S-I-C-C:
Key stakeholders: individuals who have an impact on your work or are affected by your work
Key informants: individuals who hold information about the larger landscape
Key connectors: individuals who are well connected and may be a central node in another network
Key collaborators: individuals with whom you work to fulfill your vision
Be strategic about who you connect with so that you have the resources, connections and information you need to achieve your goals. Know your goals so that you can prioritize accordingly. Remember to look in and out of your current workplace.
4. Focus on what you can give, not take
Just as the strategic relationships you build help you fulfill your vision and achieve your goals, you need to remember that your purpose is also to help others with their vision and goals. Remember that you are always a node in someone else’s network and you are also someone’s key stakeholder, informant, connector and collaborator. Offer a piece of advice, insight, or resource to those you meet (oh, and please listen before you advise!) Better yet, ask others how you can be of help.
Help your colleagues regardless of where they are on the organizational ladder (if you work in a hierarchal place like I do). How you treat someone should not be dependent on their job title or their level in the organization. Help your colleagues even if you think they can’t do anything for you - don’t help others just because you expect to gain something in return.
You always need to work on yourself - expand your knowledge, abilities, skills and networks - so that you can ultimately use that to benefit others too. Continue to research your trade and fine tune your skillset. Be generous with your relationships by offering your time, skills and resources. You need to remember that we are not fighting for a piece of the pie. I truly believe that there is enough out there for everyone, but the problem is that the dominant "dog-eat-dog world" mentality contributes to the inequities that exist. Some of us have more power and access than others, so remember that your purpose is to lift others up and to support them, just as those before you have helped you in your own journey.
This quote by Toni Morrison really resonates with me:
“I tell my students, 'When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.”
5. Maintaining your relationships: Find what works for you
At this point, you might be wondering… how do I maintain and keep track of my relationships? I don’t have time to do this on top of my regular work!
You need to develop a system that works for you, and here you can really leverage your time management and organization skills to be an effective relationship builder.
I’ve tried several methods in the past and these are my two most effective methods for keeping track of my relationships:
If you prefer to go the electronic route, you can create a simple Excel sheet with these columns:
Date of Last Meeting
Date of Next Meeting
First Name
Last Name
Organization/Department
Job Title
Contact Info
Notes
Because relationships are about consistency, you should record the date of when you last saw your contact, and when you will see him/her/them again (depending on the relationship, once every few months should suffice).
Because relationships are also about authenticity, record some notes on things such as: the individual’s educational/professional background, where you first met, how he/she has or they have helped you in the past, how you can help him/her/them, and miscellaneous notes that might be helpful for future conversations. No one expects you to remember everything about him/her/them, but you can really strengthen the relationship by listening carefully, getting to know someone genuinely, and making some notes for future reference.
As you build your network, you can add additional relationships to the spreadsheet. Make sure you keep the information up-to-date.
If you prefer to go the pen-and-paper route, you can purchase an address book with alphabetical tabs, such as this one from Moleskin.
The small size of this notebook makes it handy and portable - you can jot down your notes in real-time! However, because of its size, you are also limited in terms of how many people and how much information you can record. For this reason, I decided to use the Excel method as my primary method of keeping track of my relationships.
Let’s hear from you!
Strong relationships are nurtured through small, but consistent and reciprocal, behaviours. What is one simple thing you do that acts as an effective building block for your relationships in or out of your current workplace?
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